Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
