Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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