So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
