May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
