You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
