I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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