new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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