I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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