I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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