I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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