I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
