dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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