My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
