I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
