I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
