i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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