I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
