so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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