So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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