Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
