Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
