I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
