is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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