Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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