shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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