angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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