After last night, I could never be a politician.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
A bitchslap is in order.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
