zippers are such a cool invention
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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