I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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