i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
