How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
