just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
