My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
soo... how was my night?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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