I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
