I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I cut my penus on the lid.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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