Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If its not for food we ain't going out.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
