I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
