Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
