Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Can I color on your dick again?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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