Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
