The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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