I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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