then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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