highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
