I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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