The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
