The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
