I am spending my child support on dildos
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
