my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
