For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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