why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
