i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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