dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
