I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
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He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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