If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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