i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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