I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
