I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
