Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
whose parrot is this?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
